Tie a Knot and Hold On
by wickedtomboy
Summary: Brittany and Santana's summer between junior and senior year. Santana deals with suicidal thoughts and her relationship/feelings for Brittany.  "When you feel as if you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot...and hold on."
1. Chapter 1

_Hi everyone! I hope you all are well. Enjoy the chapter, reviews are appreciated. Defy Gravity! _

_wickedtomboy _

_**Tie a Knot…and Hold On**_

Chapter 1 

BEEP-BEEP! BEEP-BEEP! BEEP-BEEP!

I slowly opened my heavy eyelids. I was immediately met with golden rays of sun pouring into the room. The warmth covered my face as I un-tangled my arm from the bed sheets and turned off the alarm. I began to stretch my body, my mind begging it to wake up. Once I was able to move, I sat up and positioned my legs at the edge of the bed then went to the bathroom.

It was the first day of summer. But of course this summer just couldn't be any old normal summer. The summers where Britt and I would go to parties, take a drip in the pool, lie around the house, and (let's not forget) have amazing, mind-blowing sex. This summer was different because it was the summer between my junior and senior year. Which meant applying for colleges, getting scholarships, and thinking about the future. Not to mention my feelings for Brittany have changed. Yep, it was the first day of summer. And I already had to get up early to babysit. Fuck my life.

Once I was done in the bathroom I made my way downstairs. I smell of pancakes, bacon, and eggs flowed into my nose. Knowing that my mom was up, I entered the kitchen.

"Buenos dias, mija." My mother greeted as she placed a plate of food at my place on the table.

"Morning, mami. This smells amazing." I took a seat, reached for the syrup, and began to eat the melt-in-your-mouth pancakes.

"Well, I thought I would make something nice for the family this morning." She placed another plate at my father's seat then she sat down at her own and took a bite of eggs.

"How are my two lovely ladies?" My father asked as he entered the kitchen. He was already dressed for work. He placed a quick kiss on the top of my head, sat down in his seat, kissed my mother good morning, and then began to enjoy the meal.

"Good morning, papi." He smiled up at me.

"Now remember Santana, me and your father have to go to work in an half an hour. Senora Guillen needs you to be-"

"At her house by 10 o clock then she will be back around 1. Call if I need anything. I already have gas money. I know, mami."

"Well, you also need to _know_ that Mr. Windlan called again-"

"What did that child molester version of Tom Cruise want?" I scoffed.

"Mija!"

"What?"

"Do not speak about people in that way." She looked to my father for help. He, however, just continued eating while staring down at his plate. I smirked, knowing I would win this argument.

"I will if it's true. It's my job to tell people they suck. Besides, he is just going to accuse me and-"

"Puck of vandalizing his car again, yes! Mija-"

"Mami! I didn't do it. I don't now about Puck…we barely hang out anymore." I finished quietly. An overwhelming feeling of guilt crashed down on me, it happened every time I brought up Puck, Sam, or Brittany. Knowing that this wasn't fair to her. She deserved someone who could be able to hold her hand down the hallways, not someone who used to hide behind sex. Sure, I stopped hanging out with boys in that way. But my parents didn't know that. A lot of people didn't know that. I have surrounded my self in a lie…that is slowly suffocating me.

"Mija, how do you expect me to believe you when you have done this before?"

"Mami, I didn't do it!" I stood up and placed my clean plate in the sink. Cheerios was over for a while so I don't have to starve myself…yet.

"Santana, you are not allowed to go to visit any friends for a week."

"What? I am 17, almost 18! You can no longer tell me what to do! You never have before!"

My mother turned to look at me. I could see the hurt in her eyes at that statement. She tried to be a good mother and most of time she succeeded, but I always got what I wanted. No matter what. So to hear her try to punish me, it was almost funny.

"Santana, as long as I pay your bills, feed you, …love you," she paused. Then a stern look flashed across her face, I understood how we were related. Her face was cold and fierce, "you will do as I say."

I froze. I was losing control, I could feel it. The boiling in the pit of my stomach. The rage exploding from my chest. The _need_ to defend myself. The _need _to protect my pride. That way people couldn't see past my walls. The walls that surrounded my soul, my eyes, and… my heart.

But this was my mother. I couldn't go all Lima Heights on her ass even if I wanted to. So I turned to the one thing I could always count on.

"Papi…do I have to?" Puppy dog eyes…check. Pouty lip…check. Sexy stance with hips…check. Exactly how I got my luscious red sports car.

My dad looked at me. Then my mom.

"Honey, she says she didn't do it." Victory. I always win. Always. Except when it comes to blonde hair, ocean blue eyes, and a beauty that could melt Hitler's heart. She always wins. Always.

I hurried toward the stairs. Once I was half way up I yelled, "Have a good day at work!" Just to be a bitch.

I entered my room, changed out of my pajamas, and jumped in the shower letting the hot water run down my body. Did I feel guilty? Yes. Was she ever going to believe me? No. Fuck you, perv Tom Cruise. You haven't seen vandalism, ass hole. I'll show you. God, I hate the people in this town. I hate this town. I can't wait to leave it. But, where to go? And, what do I do?

Do I go into a job that is practical? A job that will provide security? Or do I take my chances at New York, Chicago, or L.A? I would give so much to live in a place where I wouldn't be judged. Where I could love Brittany freely. Without her or me getting hurt. But that's just it…what about Brittany?

My head was racing and felt myself losing control of my breathing. Panic attack. I quickly turned the water temperature to freezing. Allowing it to pull my body back to its normal state. This has been happening a lot lately, especially when I think about my future with Brittany. Good thing I was done with the shower anyway.

I brushed my teeth, washed my face, blow-dried my hair, and wrapped myself in a towel then went back to my room. My phone was lying on top of my bed next to my clean clothes. I noticed that the screen was lit up with a new text. I unlocked the main screen and read the text.

Britt-Britt3: Good morning, San! How were ur sweet dreams? I missed ur cuddles :(

I felt my face light up. I smiled for the first time that morning. I set my phone back down and put my clothes on. I glanced at the clock, 9:10. Knowing I had time, I flopped down on my bed, resting for a few minutes.

San: Good morning beautiful, my dreams were all about u ;) I would love 2 cuddle with u later

Britt-Britt3: Don't let me down, Sanny! Can we spend the day at the pool first though? Lord Tubby needs 2 tan.

San: Anything for u, Britt. Pick u up around 2?

Britt-Britt3: Can't wait! Love u!

San: Love you 2!

I sighed. My heart was pounding in my chest. How does she have that effect on me?

"_I love you, Santana. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else in this world. All I know about you and I is that, because of that, I think anything's possible." _

Oh, yeah. That's how.

I stood up, did my hair, put on my makeup, grabbed my purse, and walked to the door of my room. That's when I saw it. The duck drawing. A cute, bright yellow duck smiling back at me. Brittany drew it for me. Her way of saying thank you for when I comforted her over Artie. That bastard. I wish I could just roll him off a cliff. If only I had been strong enough to tell her how I felt before she turned to him. If only I could give her what she wants. If only I wasn't a fucking coward. If only the world was different. If only I could love myself and accept myself enough to do these things for her.

If only…if only…if only….

Then everything would be okay. Then there wouldn't be a war raging inside me everyday. A war that is killing me. I'm letting it kill me. Because I deserve this. Especially if I can't let Brittany be happy. I'm letting lies, wars, and unhappiness kill me. Because I feel trapped. And, in a way,… I want to die.


	2. Chapter 2

_Hi everyone! I hope you all are well! Thank you for the wonderful alerts, favorites, and reviews. Words cannot begin to describe how much they mean to me. Keep in mind that I will follow the show. So everything will connect. Enjoy the chapter. Defy Gravity! _

_wickedtomboy _

_**Tie a Knot…and Hold On **_

Chapter 2 

"San…could you?" Brittany said, handing me a bottle of sunscreen.

"Of course Britt. Lift up your hair." I took the bottle from her and watched as she lifted her long, glowing blonde locks off her back. I had to stop myself from staring at her delicious curves. It should be illegal for her to wear any type of clothing.

"Um..San?"

"What?...Oh yeah. Sunscreen. Sorry." I mumbled feeling a blush form on my cheeks. Good thing her back was to me.

"It's okay." She giggled.

I squeezed some of the cold, cream substance into my right hand. Then I rubbed both of my hands to together and began to massage her back. I felt her muscles tense at first due to the cold. But then she relaxed into my touch. I carefully lowered my hands to get as much of her back as possible. Once I was satisfied, I grabbed some more sunscreen and moved gentle circles on shoulders. Noticing Brittany hadn't said anything in a while, I leaned forward, looked around to make sure no one was watching, and placed a small kiss on top of her head. She was finally mine again. Well, in a way. I have never given her a public display of affection before. But I wanted her to know that…well, I'm glad she's back in my life. I need her. I love her.

"You okay?" I whispered against her ear. Wanting to make sure my actions weren't unwanted.

"Yeah. It feels good, San." She leaned her body back against me. I relaxed into the motion for a few seconds. Letting my thoughts get washed away by her beauty and aroma.

Then I was snapped back into reality when a kid did a canon ball off the diving board. I quickly pulled away from her touch. Fearing that someone saw the brief moment of affection. God, I'm such a fucking coward. Why can't I just love her how I want to?

I see the disappointment flash across her gorgeous face. But she stands up, takes her flip-flops off, and moves towards the pool. We don't talk about it. We never do. That's how it works.

I sigh before getting up and walking over to her. Her feet are dangling off the edge of the pool and in the water. I follow her actions. Trying to get my body used to the temperature.

The silence is suffocating. Which is ironic because everything else is annoyingly loud. I turn to look at her. Noticing that her beautiful blue eyes are staring off in the distance. I nudged her shoulder.

"Britt-Britt, I promise I will find a way for Lord Tubbington to tan. It's stupid that they don't allow cats in." I see a smile grace her features. A feeling of pride rises inside of me. I love that I can make her smile.

"It's okay, San. It wasn't your fault. Lord Tubbington would just steel the all the Airheads anyway." I make a mental note to buy her an Airhead before we leave today. "Wanna swim?"

"Sure." I reply. Brittany suddenly stands, heads back toward our lounge chairs, and then takes off running towards me.

"Britt!" I scream. I close my eyes, bracing myself for what is to come.

There it is. The cold water splashing on my skin. Causing goosebumps to spread throughout my body.

"San! Come on!" I slowly open my eyes to find Brittany swimming towards me. Before I can even register what is happening I feel warm arms wrap around my waist. Then I feel my body being lifted into the air. The last pit of warmth that is surrounding my body vanishes and is placed by a cold, soundless pit.

I briefly open my eyes. I see several pairs of legs and various colorful bottoms of floaties. My body begins to rise toward the surface. Which, for some reason, reminds me of how Brittany makes me feel. No matter how far I go under, she is always there to pull me back toward the sun.

As my head emerges from the water I push my hair back out of my face.

"Britt!" I said, shocked. I opened my eyes having to blink several times. There she was…smiling at me…damn that million dollar smile.

I splash her. Expecting a counter attack I begin to swim way. However, she snatches my ankle and holds me back. The splashing war has begun.

We spend a couple of minutes splashing, laughing, and tackling each other. Then Brittany wants to go on the water slide. And me, being the total whipped bitch that I am, agree to go with her.

After several trips to the slide, minutes of allowing Brittany to show me up on the diving board, and some more splashing we are finally ready to tan. I lay Britt's towel down on her chair then turn and lay down on mine. I immediately feel the warmth of the sun start to dry the water of my skin. I spread my arms out in order to ensure as much sun as possible. I make a mental note to turn over soon so my stomach can get some action as well.

My vision is suddenly blocked by two legs that never end. I gulp. Watching as Brittany goes to lie down at a teasingly slow pace. Every curve of her body moving in perfect harmony. The water droplets dancing on her abs. Her breasts moving with each swing of her hips.

The things this girl does to me. My core is already aching.

When she finally lies down on her stomach. She looks over to me and smirks. Oh! That tease!

"Thanks for the towel, San." Brittany says.

"No problem, B." I manage to rasp out. She just giggles then closes her eyes. Letting the warmth take over her body.

For the next twenty minutes I take in Brittany. Brittany…in all her glory. The way her chest raises and falls. The way her hair shines in the sun. The way her thin lips form a small smile. The way her eyelashes flutter from time to time. The way her freckles poke out in random spots. The way her muscles are so defined. Her beauty is breath taking.

I love you so much.

If only I had the courage to show you. I'm so sorry Brittany.

"San?" Her innocent voice breaks me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"What are you thinking about?" She asks, as she flips over to lie on her back. Her arm dangling off the side of the chair.

"You." I respond honestly. Moving my body to match hers. Closing my eyes to protect them from the sun.

"What about me?" I stomach tightens. I can't tell her everything I was thinking… here…in a public place. I tell her I love her all the time and I give her compliments. But never in public.

So I do the next best thing.

I reach my hand down, grab her swinging hand, and wrap my pinkie around hers. No words need to be spoken.

We lay like this for another twenty minutes. Peaceful silence surrounding the two of us in our little bubble. The bubble I want to be in for the rest of my life. No parents, no colleges, no horrible-heartless teenagers, and no society telling me whom I can and cannot love.

However, nothing gold can stay, so of course…her phone rings. Signaling a text message. She lets go of my hand and reaches into her pool bag.

"It's my mom. She has to work late."

"Okay."

"She says it's okay if you stay over."

"Perfect." I say, smiling. She reaches over and rubs my arm gently. My whole body begins to tingle.

"You ready to go?" She asks softly.

I sigh and slowly lift my body up. She stands from her chair, folds her towel, puts her flip-flops on, and picks up her bag. I repeat her actions. Once done, I smile at her then turn to walk toward the locker rooms.

Out of the corner of my eye I see the concession stand. Bingo. I make a right and head over there. Managing to avoid little kids running and screaming there heads off.

"San? Where are we going?"

"I'm going to buy you and Lord Tubbington some Airheads." Brittany squealed with delight.

"Oh San! You're the best! Lord Tubby is going to love this!" She wrapped her arms around me in an embrace. I squeezed her tightly then let go since we were now at the concession stand.

"Can I help you?" Some bored teenage kid asked.

"Two blue Airheads." I stated. He went behind some counter then came back with the Airheads.

"That will be fifty cents." I handed them the two quarters and Brittany reached for the Airheads.

"Thanks." She said.

"No problem." He stated. Smirking and allowing his eyes to linger on her chest. Oh! Hell no!

"Yo, pizza face, eyes up here befores I end you," I yelled. He looked at me, shocked.

"San…" Brittany said gently, trying to calm me down.

"Look I-" He began to say.

"No, you look. How about I take your eyes out and stick them where your balls should be?" There it was again, the boiling in the pit of my stomach. The rage exploding from my chest. The _need_ was returning. The _need_ to protect Brittany. _My_ Brittany. No one was going to hurt her.

Just as another round of insults starting flowing through my mind. Brittany grabbed my hand and pulled me away. She lead me through the locker room and out to the parking lot. We came to a stop at my car. She turned to face me.

I tried to slow down my breathing. It's okay. Brittany is right here. She is safe. Just enjoy the evening.

"San…it's okay. I'm fine. He didn't do anything to me. He was just being a teenage boy." She took my face in her hands. I lost myself in her in eyes. They always calmed me. And she knew it. "San…it's okay. I promise."

"Okay," I whispered. Knowing that I was back to my normal self.

Brittany took me in her arms. Rubbing my back ever so gently. I melted into her embrace. Wanting to disappear into her.

"Brittany! Santana!"

I froze. Just when things couldn't get any worse. Berry. Rachel Fucking Berry.

"Be nice. I'll do the talking." Brittany whispered against my ear. "Hey Rachel!"

"Hey! What are you guys doing here?" Rachel asks from across the parking lot.

"What does it look like?" I mumble. Earning a sideways glance from Brittany.

"We just got done swimming!" Brittany yelled back.

"Oh! Finn and I are just about to go in! And we were wondering if you and Santana wanted to come to the Glee party this Friday at Finn's place?"

As much as I hate to admit it, that did sound like fun. Even though I pray every night that my Rachel Berry voodoo doll will somehow work.

"We would love too!" Brittany responds. I love her.

"Great! See you then!" Rachel says. Her and Finn then walk in to the locker rooms.

The car ride back to Britt's place was comfortable. We didn't talk but it was still nice. There were times when I got myself wanting to reach across and hold her hand. But we never hold hands. That becomes too much like a couple. But, man, I really want to hold her hand. I began to wonder where our relationship will go and where is it now. But I guess I should just take it one day at a time. To make sure she is ready. I just want to love her. I don't want to feel so conflicted and trapped. I was pulled out of my thoughts when we pulled up to her house. She smiled sweetly at me as she exited the car.

We entered the Pierce home and made our way upstairs. It was 9 p.m. And I was tired. We had a long day in the sun and Brittany could swim for hours. Brittany must have read my mind because when we got to her room she took a shower and changed into her pajamas. I took a shower after her then borrowed t-shirt and shorts and changed into those.

She laid down on her bed and let out a heavy sign. I chuckled at her. She could always make me smile. I laid down next to her and slipped the covers over me.

She turned to face me. And I turned to face her.

"Today was nice. Thank you." She whispered.

"Anything for you." She began to look at her hands. Her eyes roaming around the room. I could tell she was nervous about something. But I let her take her time.

"I really…liked it whe-when you kissed me today. In pub-public." She said, barely audible.

My heart slammed up against my ribs. Tears began to form behind my eyes. I love her so much. I pulled her into my arms…remembering my promise to cuddle with her.

So many things were flowing through my mind. But I only managed to get out five words.

"I love you, Britt-Britt."

"I love you too, San."


	3. Chapter 3

_Hi everyone! I hope you all are well! If you are enjoying this story, I do have another one: __**Don't Go**__. I also have a tumblr: wickedtomboy . tumblr. com Thank you all for the alerts/favorites/reviews, they are all amazing! Enjoy the chapter. Defy Gravity! _

_wickedtomboy _

_**Tie a Knot…and Hold On**_

Chapter 3 

"San…"

The small moan escaped from Brittany's lips as I began to suck on her pulse point. One of her hands was tangled in my hair while the other had a death grip on my back. I began to suck harder. Then I ran my tongue along the smooth skin. I placed a trail of small, opened-mouth kisses up her neck before taking her sweet earlobe into my mouth. I nibbled on the skin earning another small moan. She removed her the hand that was in my hair and placed it on my cheek. Turning my head toward her.

I lost myself into her crystal blue eyes. The patterns in her eyes resembled diamonds. But, to me, they were worth more than any diamond.

Her thumbs were making small, soothing circles across my skin. She leaned in and placed a gentle, yet passion filled kiss. I felt my mind go numb. I couldn't feel anything in my body. All sound was lost. Except the sound of my heart beating. I could hear and feel every beat perfectly. It was giving me a high. Wrapping me in a secure blanket where no one could touch me. Letting me know that she loved me. And that was all that mattered.

She removed her lips from mine. I had to blink several times in order to be brought back to reality. She cupped my face in her hands and laid my head down against her chest. I could hear her heartbeat match mine. Her heartbeat is one of my favorite sounds in the world. I close my eyes and allow myself to float away. To a place where it is only Brittany and I. My body melts into hers. She places a fragile kiss against the top of my head and begins to rub my back.

"San?" She whispers.

"Yeah, B?" I whisper back.

"I hate to say this, but…we have to leave in an hour."

Crap…The Glee Party. Maybe…if I'm cute enough….

"I don't wanna!" I pout. Then turn my head and bury it in her chest. I wrap my arms around her and pull her closer.

"San!" She giggles. "We have to!"

Come on, Santana! You can do this. Think!

I begin to tickle her sides. Feeling my fingers dig into her skin. She begins to laugh hysterically. Her body is thrashing about, trying to get me to stop. But that only makes me tickle her harder.

"San!...Please…don't!" She screams. Her hands find mine and try to pry away my fingers.

"What B? I can't hear you!" I joke with her. Her face was scrunched up from her laughter. Her smile was wide and her skin was glowing. Moments like this…are the ones I live for.

"Sa- I can't-breathe-…San!" She manages to gasp out. I loosen my fingers and her hand intertwines with mine. Her other hand reaches out and gently removes some hair away from my eyes. I rub soft circles on the skin I just tickled, trying to relieve some tension I just put there moments ago.

"San." She says quietly while looking into my eyes. I know what she is saying.

"I know, Britt. I'll go get ready." I slowly get off of her and make my way over to my closet…what to wear?

I hear movement on the bed and then I feel smooth as silk arms wrap my waist. All thoughts of clothes are forgotten. She places a small, loving kiss on my shoulder.

"Thank you." She whispers into my ear then goes into the bathroom to change, smiling at her victory.

We arrive at the T-Rex's house a little before 9. When we exit the car you can hear the rest of the club inside. Singing, laughing, and talking.

Britt walks around the car and glances at me. I smile then gesture for us to head inside. We walk close together up to the front door. When Britt knocks she gives me her classic, _"Be nice, San"_ look. As along as alligator lips stays away from my girl…I will be. But I bite back the comment and just simply smile at her. Trying to erase the memories of the last party. However, doing a body shot off of those abs…Whoa, every time I think about it I begin to get wet. How does she have that effect on me?

"Hey guys or should I say girls!" Blaine says as he opens the door. Of course he would be a dork when he is drunk.

"Move it Elton John, I needs my alcohol." I say, then grab Britt's hand and walk past him.

"San, why is he here? He didn't join the club. He goes to that one school with the fancy ties."

"Probably because of Kurt, Britt." I respond. She nods, satisfied with the answer then we proceed into the kitchen, where I drop her hand.

"Well look who came!" Mercedes yells from a place at the table. Why is she sitting next to Sam?

"Hey, Mercedes!" Brittany says. The rest of the club greets us as they get ready set up the first drinking game. Artie dares to try to communicate with me and I shoot him a death glare. Man, I hate him.

Britt goes to sit down next to Quinn, who seems distant, while I make us some drinks. Lauren and Puck are laughing at something perverted. Finn and Rachel are being so couple-ly I could puke. Sam and Mercedes are sitting awfully close. Mike is making Tina laugh using Asian stereotypes. Kurt and Blaine are talking about fashion.

Wait…why can't I do that with Brittany? Why can't I go hold her hand? Whisper in her ear? Kiss her cheek? Rub her back? They wouldn't care, right? I mean, I have been a complete bitch to them so I guess they could use it against me. No, they wouldn't do that. But if someone else were to see, my life would be over. I'm Santana Lopez. I judge others. They don't judge me.

I hear Brittany laugh at something Lauren said, causing me to look up. Her light freckles are moving with her cheeks as she smiles. Her perfect white teeth shining. I just wanted to go place a peck on those curves. But, no…I can't face the world. Jesus, this is going to be a long night. Hello, vodka.

The games start and within hour people are getting to be pretty ridiculous. I, myself am drowning drinks left and right. Which I know I will regret in the morning. Brittany keeps on giving me sideways glances and sometimes pointed looks. But I just smile. Telling her I am okay.

We are getting ready to go chill in the living room. When Quinn says she is going to leave. First, she hasn't said a thing all night now she is leaving early? Quinn never leaves early. But, I hug her anyways. Then I look her in the eye and tell her to text me. That girl is hard to figure out.

We make ourselves comfortable in the living room and I make another drink.

"San?" Britt whispers. Her breath on my ear sending chills down my body.

"W-h-hat, B?" I slur.

"I think you have had enough." She looks at me, worried. I get lost in her eyes again and lean forward to rest my head against her shoulder.

"I'm fine, B! As a matter of fact…I feel great!" I giggle.

"Okay, San. But you are not driving."

"Okay." I reply, snuggling by her side.

"San?"

"Yeah?"

"I have to use the bathroom."

"Oh! Okay. Sorry." I say, sitting up off of her. I see blur next to me, assuming it is Mercedes I start talking about who is the biggest diva.

When B comes out of the bathroom I see her talking to Artie. My stomach immediately hates me. I understand that they are close. And I know B is over him and wouldn't pull anything but I still hate him. Mainly because he has had Brittany in a way that I haven't had her yet…publicly.

Why can't I just make a decision? You need to decide. You can't just keep her in the closet forever! She deserves more than that. But I can't see my life without her. And I don't _want _to see my life without her.

I reach for a shot of…something. I don't even care at this point. I just need to drown out my thoughts. But this shot proved to be one too much.

I sprinted into the bathroom. Running past Brittany.

I barely make it to the toilet. Feeling that awful gag and my stomach heave. Why do I do this to myself? What's going on with me? I feel tears start to fall from my eyes. Oh no. Not again. Please.

The bathroom door opens but I can't look up. Just then I feel the smooth as silk skin, just like her arms, tie my hair back. Then those hands begin to rub my back softly.

"San, are you okay? Is there anything I can do?" Brittany asks.

Oh, Britt! There's nothing you can do. This is all on me.


	4. Chapter 4

_Hi everyone! I hope you all are well. I love all of the reviews/alerts/favs. They are very much appreciated and they make my day. Enjoy the chapter (drama is on its way). Defy Gravity! _

_wickedtomboy _

_**Tie a Knot and Hold On **_

Chapter 4 

"Come on San!"

Brittany whispers as she tries to find a place to sit.

"Coming B." I whisper back while jugging popcorn, two sodas, and a packet of Sour Patch Kids. But my hard work is paid off when I notice that Britt picked a seat in the back of the theater. I smirk inwardly to myself…I didn't plan on _actually_ watching the movie.

She bounces in the seat like a five year old. Waiting impatiently for me to join her. She relieves me of a soda and Sour Patch Kids. I take my seat and get situated. The beginning credits begin and I roll my eyes. Are those really necessary? But my attitude gets erased completely when I feel Brittany lean into me. How does she have that effect on me?

She is quietly nibbling on a red Sour Patch Kid when I scope out the scene. Everyone is at least six rows ahead of us and I don't see anyone from our school. A spark of anger runs through me. I'm Santana Fucking Lopez and shouldn't give a damn what any of these small-town farming housewife Lima idiots think of me.

But, that's just it. I do give a damn. And that kills me.

The coast is clear and turn my head to get a better view of the princess next to me. Her whole face alignment seems very intent. She has a goal. To watch and remember the movie. Her eyes are wide and shinning. She is mesmerized by the images flashing across her face. Her thin pink lips are slightly parted.

I feel my lips curl up into a small smile. When did I become one of those love-struck people? I lean down a place a kiss on her beautiful blonde layers. She nuzzles her head and neck further into my side. Maybe I can push my luck?

I place a kiss on her temple. Another on her ear. Another on her earlobe, licking over the soft skin. Another on the beginning of her jaw line. Another at her neck. Then a trail down to her pulse point.

"San?" Brittany whispers. I hum against her skin not removing my lips.

"Did you know that Sour Patch Kids are just gummy bears on drugs?" I pause my movements. I had gotten used to these sort of interruptions. Especially after the whole gay dolphin scenario. Which is surprisingly true.

I glance up at her. Her eyes are fixed on the tiny yellow sugar gel before her (man she can move through those things fast). Normally I would entertain her for a bit. But right now I just want to get my mack on.

"B?" She turns and looks at me. "I think this is a sensitive subject to the little guy. So it is probably best if we don't talk about this again." I tried to convey in my tone that I was aware and sensitive to her feelings. Which she must have got because she placed the candy back in the packet, reached out, and grabbed my hand. She rested her head against mine. Resuming its original position.

I wasn't quite sure what she wanted me to do so I just turned my attention to the movie. I don't want to be that girlfriend or best friend or whatever-the-hell we are that just continues to kiss her when she doesn't want me to or has other things on her mind. Like drugs and gummy bears.

Then I felt warm lips grace my cheek. I allowed my body to react with a small smile. Who I am kidding? I can't control my body around her. A full on showing of the teeth smile appeared.

I turned my face to look at her and raised my eyebrow. I wanted her permission.

She giggled then began to lean in. She eyes fluttered closed and I felt my heart rate pick up before I met her halfway.

Our lips connected and a jolt of electricity spread through my body.

Wanky.

My pinky linked with hers as I laid her down on my soft covers.

Her arms wrapped securely around my neck as my arms pulled her body flush against mine. Needing to feel more contact. Needing to feel her skin. Needing to be surrounded by everything that is her.

I begin to move southward. Leaving a gentle mark on her neck. Wanting her to feel the passion flowing through my veins. Her heart was begging to be released, banging against her chest when I placed a kiss over the spot. Moving down to her breast. The creamy skin molding into my hands.

A gasp escapes her lips when take her nipple into my mouth. Sucking and licking ever so lightly. One of her hands gets wrapped up in my hair encouraging me further.

I moved to the other breast. Taking great care of the mound. Kissing all around her chest. Getting lost in her skin. In her taste. Never wanting it to end.

My fingertips graze over her abs. Feeling them switch after each movement. Her whole upper body rising up and down in a fast pace.

My mouth follows the path my fingers left behind. Both of her hands tied up in my black waves. Her stomach is tightening beneath my mouth.

I feel the soft hair of her center brush against my skin. Her hips chant up against me.

My hands travel up her thighs. Feeling goose bumps make an appearance on the delicate skin. My hands continue to make the journey upward until each reach her breasts. One in each hand as I begin to shape them.

I place a gentle kiss on her center. Tasting her. Feeling how ready she is makes my heart swell.

My tongue separates her lips as my hands stay in their place on her chest.

I slowly lick upward. Getting dazed by her scent. Craving her taste.

I avoid the tiny nub at the top. Wanting to make sure she is ready.

Moans fill my ears. A continuous song dancing around the bubble we have made for ourselves. I know she wants this. That's all that matters. She wants this.

I follow my same path multiple times. Applying more pressure in some spots than others. Knowing her body. Reading her map.

I finally flick once over her clit.

"San." She moans out into the atmosphere.

I flick again and again. Then I trail down the same path. Circling her entrance once.

My tongue travels back up. Before making a final stop on her clit.

I take the nub into my mouth and suck smoothly.

Her hips are now uncontrollable. Her fingers dig into my hair. A silent plea not to stop. My hands still massaging her breasts.

I continue to lick and suck her clit. Feeling her muscles begin to quiver.

I glance up at my beauty. Taking in every curve. Every freckle. Every muscle. Memorizing her every detail. Her glowing skin. Her dazzling diamond eyes. Her golden hair.

Her heart beating. Her heart trusting me. Wanting me to take care of her body. Wanting me to love her. To show her my love through touching. To convey everything I feel for her through this act. I am connected to her in a way I never thought possible.

My heart beating with hers.

I run my tongue over her clit one more time. Before wrapping my lips around for the last movement.

She jolts up. Then begins to shake. Her muscles clenching all over her body. Her mouth is open and her eyes are shut.

She has never looked more beautiful.

Once she is completely satisfied, I trail up her center once more. Savoring the taste.

I place a kiss on every inch of her body. Making my way up toward her lips.

Her hands find mine and link us together. Pulling me up towards her.

I get lost in her eyes. Every dream, memory, thought, and insecurity she has ever told me was and will always be locked away in my heart. She trusted me with them. And the look in her eyes confirms she is proud she did so.

A graceful smile overcomes her face as a tear escapes her eye.

This past year she told me that with feelings it's better.

She's right.


	5. Chapter 5

_Hi everyone! I hope you all are well. Thank you again and hundred times over for all of the reviews/alerts/favs. A special shout out to Naya5064, who's PM messages helped kick-start this chapter and story. Thanks to those of you, who patiently waited and I am very sorry for the wait. My tumblr has changed it is now: unlessyoutakethejourney. Enjoy the chapter! Defy Gravity! _

_wickedtomboy _

_**Tie a Knot and Hold On **_

Chapter 5 

"Tana! Tana! Tana!"

I turn around and prepare myself to be bombarded by a little, sticky bundle of joy. Only this bundle of joy is dressed in a Buzz Lightyear outfit and his wings prevent me from hugging him.

"Hey, Buzz!" I say, as I awkwardly pick David up.

Brittany has been babysitting David since he was two years old. I usually always babysit with her…because I can't resist the small pout she gives every time she asks me to do so. But in my head I try to pretend I'm not that whipped. Which is…total bullshit.

Brittany enters the front door behind me, carrying the ice cream. David's face lights up and a small blush appears on his face. I guess I'm not the only one madly in love with Brittany.

"Hey, Davey! I haven't seen you in forever!" Britt ruffles his hair.

"Hi, Brittany." He says shyly.

"Are you ready for some ice cream?"

"Hell yeah!" I shout, which gives a pointed look from Brittany…but I see the small smile she is trying to hide. I give her a wink then walk Buzz and I into the kitchen. 

"Buzz Lightyear to the rescue!"

"Oh! Buzz save me!"

"We meet again Buzz Lightyear…for the last time!" I jump into to the room. Landing dramatically near Brittany, who is pretending to be trapped behind pillow cushions. While Buzz is standing on top of the chair…because the carpet…is now lava.

"Evil emperor, Zerg!"

"Muahaha!" But, alas….I am out-matched as Buzz shoots his laser (light bulb) at my chest. I fall back towards Brittany. Then I jump up and grab her from behind.

"Wait, Tana!"

I freeze, David never breaks character….never. It's like a code little kids have or something.

"What, David?"

"You can't hurt your girlfriend."

Now I really am frozen. Those words….like his laser…hit me right in the chest. He's right…Buzz is right. I can't hurt my girlfriend….I shouldn't hurt my girlfriend. Even a five-year old knows that. Then why is that so hard for me? Why do I keep on hurting Brittany? She deserves better. She deserves Buzz…not Zerg.

"Your right, David." I let go of Brittany. And walk out of the room. 

"David's sleeping. I had to convince him by giving him the blue bubble bath..but he is now in dreamland." Brittany says as she walks into the kitchen. I can sense her hesitancy. She doesn't know what to say…and neither do I.

"San," she walks up from behind me, "are you okay?" She's closer now…to close.

"Have you heard from Quinn?" I say, standing up and crossing to the fridge. I can't have this conversation. Not here. Not ever.

"San-"

"I'm just saying…it's June 26th and I've barely heard from her all summer."

"No, San. I haven't heard from her." She sounds tired. I must make her so tired, frustrated. She has to be sick of that.

I shallow the lump in my throat. "I'm so sorry, B."

"San, you have nothing to be sorry for." She tries to pull me into a hug, comfort. She always brings me comfort. But right now…I feel out of place. I don't belong here. With her. I turn away.

"Yes, I do. I have so much to be sorry for." She's confused, hurt. She doesn't know what I'm talking about…but she's trying to understand. She's always so understanding.

"Like what, San?"

But I just shake my head.

"You can tell me…it's okay."

"It's not okay, Brittany! None of it is okay!"

"None of what?"

"This! This whole thing!..I-just…I feel so, worthless, B. You..deserve so much more than me."

"Santana, don't ever say that again. You are an amaz-"

"It's true, Brittany! I can't even ask you to be my girlfriend…some five year old has to point it out. I can't even…be with you. At least Artie can give you that."

"Do not compare yourself to Artie, Santana."

"I'm not doing any comparing, I'm just stating facts!"

"That aren't true! I love you…and I'll wait till your ready. I'll-"

"For how long? Don't you want this? A house..with a kid. Just another thing I won't be able to provide for you."

"This isn't about what you can or cannot provide for me! Love doesn't matter if you have sperm or money! This is about the fact that I love you and you love me. But for some reason you don't love yourself enough!"

Ice. Freezing cold, burning ice. Closing in around me. Blocking off every part of my body. The walls are shutting. All rational thought is leaving. And all I want to do is curl up in a ball. Please, something, someone. Take me away.

But, the only person who can get me out of here is me.

So I move past Brittany, who's mouth is moving but I can't hear anything she's saying. The ice has blocked that off too.

I grab my purse. Brittany tries to grab my arm, but I'm faster.

Then I walk out the front door.


	6. Chapter 6

_Hi everyone! I hope you all are well. Thank you all for the reviews/favs/alerts. I love each and every one of them. Enjoy the chapter. Defy Gravity! _

_wickedtomboy_

_**Tie a Knot and Hold On **_

Chapter 6 

8 text messages. 11 phone calls. 11 voicemails.

BEEP

Make that 9 text messages.

I roll over in bed and take my phone off its charger. I unlock the screen and view this one.

Britt: San, please talk to me….I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. Please? :(

"Uh!" I want to text back. I can never stay mad at her. But then her words echo in my head and I pick up my phone and throw it across the room. I'm so mad at-at…myself. I'm so mad at myself. But then again, that's not anything new.

Brittany's words, Brittany's smell, Brittany's body. Brittany. Brittany. Brittany. Everything is surrounding me. I couldn't sleep last night because of it. The sleeping pills on the floor are a testament to that. Lately all I want to do is sleep. My body feels as if a semi truck has hit me. My mind feels…even worse. I can't focus on one thought and I have no motivation to do anything. What is happening to me? I just want my body and mind to shut off. I don't want to deal with what is going on inside my heart. Sleep is so much better than reality.

So I reach down and take two more pills.

I wake up three hours later. My mind feels heavy. Almost as if its tired from carrying it's own thoughts.

I go downstairs to see if anyone's home. I haven't eaten at all today but the thought of food disgusts me. My stomach does somersaults just by opening the refrigerator.

I hear my mom on the treadmill. She always runs at 3:00. Everyday the same routine. She is trying to stay young for herself and probably for dad. Is that what I'm going to become? The middle-aged lady with the same routine day after day?

I used to look forward to the future. Now…I can't even see it. Everyone always says there's a light at the end of tunnel. But I can't see the light. I can't see the tunnel. I am just continuously falling into a dark pit that is shapeless, soundless, and lifeless.

"Santana!" My mom say's breathlessly. She is speaking ten times louder than necessary due to the headphones in her ears.

"Yes, Mami?"

"We are going to the grocery store after I'm done. In about thirty minutes."

"Okay."

"Be ready to go."

I was numb at the grocery store. I just nodded my head at whatever my mom was talking about. My phone battery was now dead. I forgot to charge it last night. At least I won't be hearing from Brittany for the rest of the day. Maybe I can give my mind a break.

We were almost back from the grocery store when we passed a new house that was being built in Lima Heights.

"Her father went over there yesterday. He wanted to introduce himself to the new neighbors."

"Umm."

"The two gentleman were very nice. Maybe they have a child you can babysit?"

"Are they brothers?"

"No. Partners I believe."

My heart jumped against my ribcage. My breath shortened and it felt like that mini-panic attack you get from falling in a dream.

"Partners?" I asked quickly.

"Yes. They moved from Florida. Mr. Stoll got a job offer here at the hospital. His partner wants to teach at the elementary school."

I gulped. Trying to catch my breath.

"And that doesn't…bother you?"

"Why would it? They are no different from us, Santanita."

We pulled up into the driveway and I knew what I had to do. I needed to talk to Brittany. My insight to my mom's thoughts gave me the confidence I didn't know I had. I rushed up to my room and quickly plugged in my phone.

15 text messages. 22 calls. 22 voicemails.

Britt: Please San, I need you.


	7. Chapter 7

_Hi everyone! I hope you guys are well. Thank you all for the favs/reviews/alerts. They all mean so much to me. Enjoy the chapter! Defy Gravity! _

_wickedtomboy _

_**Tie a Knot and Hold On **_

Chapter 7 

CrEEk. Push. Swing.

CrEEk. Push. Swing.

CrEEk. Push. Swing.

I always sit on Brittany's front porch swing when I come over. I have ever since I was five. The rusty chains seem to get worse with each passing day.

I tilt my head back and look up at the sky. Trying to prepare my mind for the conversation to come. The stars are very welcoming tonight.

Is it possible to float? To get so absorbed in the beauty of something you just want to disappear into it? I want my soul to be wrapped up by the stars. To be carried to a place unknown but so beautiful. To just…escape.

Maybe I could take Brittany with me. Maybe we could go to a place that is a masterpiece. A masterpiece that is just for us.

But that's just the thing. I believe we are the masterpiece. I believe the love we share is a masterpiece.

However, the worth of art is determined by other people. And others in the world don't see our love as a masterpiece.

"You are so beautiful. Especially when you are lost in your thoughts."

I seize slightly at hearing Brittany's voice. The voice that can truly pull me back down to earth.

I turn and see her standing with two cups of what I presume is hot chocolate in her hands. A blanket is draped over her shoulder like a cape. The superhero she truly is. She has her Peter Pan slippers and duck pajamas on. I feel my lips curl into a shy smile. I never want to live without seeing those pajamas every night for the rest of my life.

Another loud CrEEk is heard from the swing as Brittany sits down next to me. She hands me my cup of hot chocolate. Little, tiny mountains of marshmallows cover the chocolate warmth. Brittany has always been generous with the marshmallows.

"Thank you." I whisper.

"You never have to thank me for hot chocolate, San. Would you like to share the blanket?"

"Always."

Brittany always knows how to make feel me feel comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. I need to be warm and feel safe. The blanket smells like her. And the aroma lifts me up to place I never knew existed.

"H-how was your day?" She gently questions.

"It was okay. I really didn't do anything. How was yours?" I don't want to tell her I slept all day. She doesn't need to be more worried than she probably already is.

"It was good. I took Jamie to the park to feed the ducks. Then we came back and watched Beauty and the Beast. We ate cheerios during the movie and we both fell asleep."

"Yeah, I know how bored you get at the Gaston parts."

"Jamie doesn't understand it. He's so-"

"Hairly, ugly and a total meany?"

"San, you always understand." Brittany gets out through a series of chuckles.

"Well, he is a jackass."

Brittany laughs and then snuggles into my side while taking a sip of her hot chocolate.

"Rachel texted me." She says and lets out a big yawn.

"Oh, yeah? What did the hobbit want?"

"She invited us to a glee club Fourth of July."

"Joy."

"San, I think we should go. It will be fun! I love fireworks."

"I know you do, Britt.

"You do too! I see how your face lights up when they shoot the big, loud ones off."

"You got me there. I can't argue with you, Britt."

A silence falls over us. I was hoping the easy and natural conversation we were just having would continue. But I can't avoid this. She needs an explanation. I don't know if I'm brave enough to give it to her. I don't want her to know what I think about. How bad I feel. She doesn't need to have that put on her shoulders and I would like to protect her from my thoughts and insecurities.

"San, I'm…I'm so sorry for I what I said the other night. It was-"

"Don't Britt. It's okay. I overreacted. None of this is your fault and you have nothing to be sorry for."

"But I shouldn't have pushed you."

"You didn't push me. If anything I have been pushing you. You are the most patient person in the world. You don't deserve this Britt."

"Don't deserve what, Santana? I love you. And therefore I am going to be by your side always. You are going through something right now. And I don't understand why you're not telling me and why you won't let me help you."

"Britt, please. Can we just not talk about this right now?"

"San, I-"

"Brittany, please. I don't…I can't talk about this. I want to enjoy this night. I want to enjoy just being here. With you."

"Okay." Brittany sighs. She sounds so worried. I hate that I make her feel this way.

"But, San?"

"Yeah?"

"I will always be here for you. I will not leave you. I promise."


	8. Chapter 8

_Hi everyone. I hope you all are well! Thank you for the alerts/favs/reviews. Let me know if there is anything you would like to see or if you have any constructive criticism. I hope everyone is having a safe holiday season. Enjoy the chapter! Defy Gravity! _

_wickedtomboy _

_**Tie a Knot and Hold On**_

Chapter 8 

"Hey! Satan's here!"

"Fuck off, Puckerman. Don't you have a new STD to get or something?"

"Happy Fourth of July to you to, Santana." Puck responds has he lets Britt and I into Berry's house.

"Everyone is in the backyard. The food and booze are on the kitchen counter."

"Thanks, Puck." Brittany says as I link our pinkies and drag her to the kitchen. I start making my plate keeping in mind that our cheerios training starts soon. Urgh! Not something I am looking forward too.

"Why do you have to be so mean to him?" Britt asks.

"Because it's fun." I say, purposefully trying to get a smile out of her. If I could only have one thing for the rest of my life it would be to see her smile.

And it works. Because her velvet lips spread into a tiny curve that makes warmth fill my body and every other sound, sight, and smell disappear from my world.

"San," she lets go of my pinkie to wrap her whole hand around mine, "thank you for coming with me."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world, B." Another smile.

We make our way to the backyard. Rachel, Kurt, and Blaine are discussing which Barbara song fits Rachel's personality. Tina and Mike are playing catch with a Frisbee. Finn and Puck are setting up the fireworks that were probably bought illegally. Sam is entertaining Mercedes by seeing how many hot dogs he can fit into his mouth. And Lauren is kicking Artie's ass at arm wrestling.

"Britt, do you see Quinn?"

"No. I don't think she is coming."

"Is she going to be at cheerios tomorrow?"

"Sue will shoot Quinn with her laser eyes if she doesn't."

"Yeah, I know but I haven't seen Quinn since our last glee party."

"I'm sure she's fine San. We can go to her house before practice tomorrow if you want?"

"Yeah, let's do that." I turn to see Brittany giving me this knowing grin.

"What?" I duck my head to hide the blush that is gently covering my cheeks.

"It's just sweet to see you caring for your friends."

"I do not care for Teen Mom."

"Okay. And Lord Tubbington isn't in a gang."

"Brittany!" I slap her shoulder. "I do not care, okay? I'm just curious to see if she got herself knocked up again or something."

"Oh! Okay…if that's the case…" Britt rolls her eyes then she launches her body towards me and begins to tickle my sides.

"Britt!" I squeal, trying to free myself. I let out a huge laugh and swat my arms downward.

"You are such a liar, Santana Lopez." She stops, wraps her arms around me, and pulls me close to her. I take a deep breath, let her scent calm me and rest my head against her shoulder. "And I love you and your scrunchy face." She breathes into my ear.

I grip her tighter and let her words sink into my soul. How is she able to bring life back into my heart just by saying three words?

I wonder if this is what it would be like to be with her as a couple. Would she always hold me in public? Would I be able just to reach out and grab her hand? Can I kiss her anytime?

If this is what it would be like…than it wouldn't matter if I disappeared into the stars. Or found the place that I would call a masterpiece. Because the masterpiece is right here.

In her arms.


	9. Chapter 9

_Hi everyone. I hope you all are well! Thank you for the alerts/favs/reviews.__ They keep me going.__ Enjoy the chapter (only two more)! Defy Gravity! _

_wickedtomboy _

_**Tie a Knot and Hold On**_

Chapter 9 

"San!"

I see a flash of gold hair before I'm tackled to the floor. Little arms that can barely wrap around waist tighten their hold and I have no choice but to hug back.

"Hey, Little J." I barely gasp out due to the pressure on my ribs.

"Jamie, let Santana go. We would like for her to be able to breathe throughout dinner." Brittany's mom, Susan, says with a chuckle.

"No worries Mrs. P, I'm sure I'll find some way to get her off of me. Maybe I should call in the tickle monster?"

"No! Not the tickle monster! Brittany! Help me!" Jamie takes off upstairs and I run after her. Trying to tickle her before she's rescued by Brittany.

Screams and giggles fill the air as Jamie runs through the hallway. She makes it to Britt's door and bangs on the wood with all her might.

"Britt! She's gonna get me!"

"Here comes the tickle monster. Looking for a tickle spot. I'm gonna get all the tickles you got!"

Brittany's door swings open and Jamie dashes inside. I jump after her only to feel strong arms that can definitely wrap around my waist lift me up and toss me onto the bed. Two warm, golden hair bodies collide on top of me not a second later.

"Jamie, we captured the tickle monster!"

"Yay!"

"What should we do to her?"

"Tickle her!"

"No!" I scream, trying to cover my sides but Britt's arms are too strong. Two sets of fingers dig into my skin.

I start to move every which way, mindful of not hurting my two favorite blondes. Laughter surrounds the room as we all tumble on the bed.

"Girls! Time for dinner! Even the tickle monster needs nutrition!" Susan yells from downstairs.

"Come on, San! You get to sit next to me!" Jamie says while grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the hallway. I feel warm arms sneak around my waist to sooth my sides and a wet kiss pressed against my cheek. I turn and see Britt give me a tiny smirk as we make our way down to the delicious smelling food.

Dinner was amazing. The Pierces can always lift my spirits. John, Brittany's dad, is such a good cook. Brittany kept on sliding her foot up my calf and thigh making it very hard to concentrate. However, during dessert John asked about my plans for the future. What college's I was looking at, etc. I hate when someone asks me about the future. Especially when I feel as though I don't have one. Brittany is the only future I could ever want. But I can't see that future. I want her to be happy and take every opportunity waiting for her. I would never want to hold her back. And that's all I've been doing.

Brittany senses my change in mood and takes me up to her room after we help with the dishes.

I immediately walk over to her window and look out at the stars while she changes into her pajamas. I hear her set out some different clothes of me on her bed then the silence sets in. I don't like silence. The truth screams louder when silence is present.

"Thank for inviting me to dinner. I really love your family."

"Anytime, San. You are always welcome here. It's been a while since we've had dinner together."

Silence.

Brittany crosses the room to get closer to me. I turn and welcome her embrace. She has been so patient these past three weeks. Never pushing me to talk. Letting me cry when I need to.

"San, what's wrong?"

"I don't know, B. I don't know. We had such a great evening and then…college."

"College? Don't worry about that, San. You'll get into any school you want. Especially since you are the best cheerleader."

"No, B. It's the future that upsets me."

"Why?" She begins to rub circles on my back. I know she's trying to encourage me to keep talking. To keep opening up to her.

"Because, I…I don't see mine. I don't see my future, B. I just see myself getting worse and worse. Especially without you."

"But, that's not true, San. You will get better. I know it." I laugh bitterly.

"Brittany, I- I'm sinking so fast. It's like…like your walking through a jungle. And every turn you make. Every decision leads you closer and closer to quicksand. Then I stepped in it. And the quicksand slowly but surely captured me. Sinking me into a hole that I can't fight out of. My motivation, energy, life just left. Absorbed into this quicksand. There's a war going on inside of me, B. I can't come out due to fear. Fear, something that I always thought I would be able to beat. But I cant' beat this quicksand. You deserve someone who can. Who can beat it for you. Someone who will always open up to you. I will always be there for you. And I want a future with you. I want to kiss you under the stars, to hold you close when I see you after a long week at college, to buy an apartment with you and get into a paint fight when we decorate it. I want to find the perfect ring and see your eyes sparkle inside its diamonds. I want to have to fight for you when I have done something stupid. I want to hear the first cries and figure out how the hell do you raise a family? I want the fights, tears, and laughs that come in a lifetime and even that won't be enough time with you. But, I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to beat this. And I'm afraid I'm going to completely lose myself in it more than I already have."

Silence.

I realize how scared I really am. How I have blinded myself to it all. How suffocated my life is and has been. I can't do this anymore.

I pull myself out of Brittany's arms and sprint to the car.


	10. Chapter 10

_Hi everyone. I hope you all are well! Thank you for the alerts/favs/reviews.__ They all mean so much to me.__ I must give you a warning, this chapter is very heavy. __If you have depression or know someone who does please talk to someone. You are not alone and it is not your fault. "Things will get easier, people's minds will change. And you should be alive to see it."-Ellen DeGeneres  
><em>

_wickedtomboy _

_**Tie a Knot and Hold On**_

Chapter 10 

Slow motion. It was as if I was walking in slow motion. Everything around me was spinning. Sound and vision would come in and out. Fading then growing stronger again. My body was moving of it's own accord, for my mind was off in another world. A world where pain and suffering did not exist. A world where I had everything I could ever want. An apartment in San Francisco, a dog, a job as a well-known singer, and Brittany. The partner that would surprise me with breakfast in bed, romantic walks, and the random whisper of sweet nothings. That is the world my mind was in. And I had to go there. For the world my body was in was called…hell.

I drive further and further away.

I let my mind wander back to San Francisco as a familiar song comes on. I play out in my mind a fun, loving food fight the love of my life and I will have. I silently laugh to myself at Brittany who currently has flour on her nose. Then, a bright red color catches my eye. I look to the left to see Sunnyside Playground. The elementary kids crawling all over it. My eye locks onto the monkey bars in the corner.

_My tiny hands grab onto the rough, rusted metal as my body hangs down. I swing myself forward as my other hand latches onto the next bar. My lower lip is sticking out in concentration. I have never made it this far. What do I do now? My arms feel weak. So I let go and land on the sharp mulch below. Feeling a sense of pride. Someday I'll be able to make it all the way through. _

_ "Sweetheart, be careful!" I hear a soothing voice call. I turn my head at the sound. Are they talking to me? But then I see a girl, a small blush spreads across my cheeks. She is running toward the swings and she almost trips. My head moves to the direction of her father. But…wait. There are two daddies there. Which one is hers? One daddy with blonde hair has his arm around the other's waist. And the daddy with dark hair has his head on the blonde's shoulder. That's what I do with my mommy when I'm tired. He must be tired. But…you can have two daddies? _

_ "Santana!" I jerk my head around and see my mommy standing there. She is in her work suit and her arms are crossed. Uh- oh! I did something wrong. I run up to her. She grabs my wrist firmly and drags me out of the park. I turn around to get one last glimpse at the two daddies. The dark haired one just gave the other a peck on the cheek. They both smile. And then I smile. Prince Eric does those things for Ariel. They must love each other. They're just two daddies… that love each other. _

Back to my slow motion life as I pull up into the driveway. Feeling as empty as the gas tank in my car. I wonder if Brittany and I would ever do that. I would love to take our daughter to the park. However, my fancy quickly vanishes as I look up at the prison. I mean "house". The slow motion returns with full force. I feel my legs moving but I try to tell them to stop. But they won't listen. As much as I say I'm going to run away, I never do. Where would I go with no money? My mind floats back to fancy. Trying to ignore the pain of reality. I need to get a job, so I can pay for my car. So I can pay for college if I can't get a scholarship. But if I don't get that scholarship then I am stuck here for the rest of my life. My body freezes at the thought. Lungs stop breathing. Blood stops rushing. My heart is hammering against my chest, threatening to explode. Emotions overthrow my mind.

No.

I will get out of here. If it's the last thing I do I will get out of here. My mind tries to go back to fancy. But it stops itself knowing that I am still in reality. One half say's go back. The other says that we can't stay permanently. Then something…something from deep within the depths of my soul says…but you can. You can go there permanently. I shake this thought away, only knowing it is going to come back. It always comes back. Every. Single. Day.

The thought travels back to the depths of my ripped soul as I open the front door and enter the house. Once again, my body knows the routine and I take off my coat, place my keys on the counter, grab the scotch bottle, and go upstairs.

The stairs are aligned with memories. Memories that only exist it the picture frame they hang in. Those smiles used to be real. But not they are just a fake happiness. One I still fake to this day. I begin to wonder where it all went wrong. It must've been me, right? I'm the one that caused this fake happiness. I never believed loving could be wrong. Those two men at the park looked happier than my mother and father. But even though the men's happiness was true, it was also wrong. So that makes a fake happiness better?

My legs carry me up the stairs and into the bathroom. My body knows that I have to go. But my mind is trapped in a series of gut-wrenching stabs. My eyes find the glass that shows all imperfections. Now my mind is paying attention. Paying attention to the broken face looking back. The pale skin from no sunlight, reflecting the emptiness inside me…I never want to go outside anymore. The chapped lips. The messy hair. The acne that cover the thin cheeks…I rarely eat or shower anymore. I see my eyes…and they begin searching for a reason to live.

"_You're so beautiful." She whispered. Lightly gazing her hand over my full cheek. I smiled when I saw the honesty in her eyes. I was so nervous she would hate me or hate my body. For this was supposed to be a special time…a first time. But she made it perfect. Showing her love in the simplest touches. No one had ever touched my skin with so much feeling. Making me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. That I'm the only one she wants. Feeling as if my skin was glowing from the love inside of me. I've waited so long to love. Now it's right here. Right in her. _

_Making me feel as if I'm…worth something. _

"_I love you." _

My body hits the mattress. Flopping down, resembling a dead fish. I melt into the soft sheets. Allowing my soul to be wrapped up into the only friend I know. My bed provides a comfort I may never feel again but in this moment. For in the fabric of these sheets I dream. And when I dream I get swept away from reality. The reality that constantly asks questions and expects me to face them. Questions involving the future. What future? I can barely make it through a school day. One day turns out to be a war between reality and my mind. Between my parents. Between my classmates. The future in my dreams will be one I will never find…unless I can get this scholarship. That's why my dreams are better than my reality.

My eyes begin to look around the room. Trying to focus on something besides the ceiling and my state of mind. My eyes find the door. The door that I want to desperately run out of and never see again. But where would I go? What would I do? The door stands there…mocking me.

A single tear escapes my eye. For I didn't think I had any more tears to give. My heart aches with a pain I try to ignore everyday for the past year. But the pain is slowly starting to suffocate me. The pain ripped your soul and shattered your dreams. It spit in your face and punched your stomach. It took your heart and simply…hated it.

You can stop this pain, you know. The thought from the depths of my soul returned. You don't have to feel this. You can be with her in your dreams right now. And with this way… you will never have to return to reality.

My body knew the drill. It always did. My arm reached down and slid underneath my bed. Grabbing onto the small, mandarin orange bottle. It was as if I were a zombie. Staring up at the ceiling while my hand poured seven pills into my other palm. Then I felt my fingers opening the scotch. While the pills were placed dryly into my mouth. I take a swig. I can't even feel the substances in my mouth. For if a human can't love…can't love themselves, can't love others. What is there to live for?

I close my eyes and see golden hair, bright blue eyes, and the beautiful city of San Francisco.


	11. Chapter 11

_Hi everyone. I hope you all are well! I want to thank each and every one of you for reading this story. I apologize for my lack of updating. It was unprofessional and unfair to you. Thank you for sticking with the story. Your follows, favorites, and reviews have meant a lot to me. I hope to see you in the future and I will work on becoming a better author. Enjoy the last chapter, have a great holiday season and always Defy Gravity. _

_wickedtomboy _

_**Tie a Knot and Hold On**_

Chapter 11 

"San…"

The heaviness in my body was overwhelming. My arm felt as if ten bricks were lying on top of it. Sharp, static tingles shot up my leg when I tried to force it into motion. Cotton dryness filled my mouth. My neck was stiff and all the energy in the world could not open my eyes.

"Please, San…" A gentle voice reached my ears. A voice I could never forget.

I'm trying, B. Everything is just too heavy. I'm not strong enough to lift it.

"Santana Lopez, you have to get up." An angry tone escaped Brittany's lips but I could tell it was forced.

I focused all my energy on moving. Please just move. Anything. A toe or a finger. I felt my pinky finger twitch. And soon it was linked to a smooth, longer pinky. Next, I focused on my eyes. Battling the lead weight which seemed to be on them. Finally, they opened.

Crystal blue. Shinning with tears was the first thing I took into my soul. Her cheeks were pale and her eyes were swollen and red. You could hardly see her freckles. Golden hair looked raw and dry.

Brittany was here. And I could breathe again.

Her free hand cupped my check. I noticed her eyes jumping all over my body. Trying to believe that I was here, awake. Her tears never seemed to end.

I tried to reach up and wipe them off. She was always too beautiful for tears.

Brittany would not let me move.

"You need to rest." She whispered.

I felt myself nod. Too lost in her eyes to focus on anything else.

"Oh, San!" She captured me into a fierce hug. I used every ounce of energy left in my body to hold her close.

That's when I realized we were on my bed. Those were my black walls. My carpet and my vanity. I closed my eyes, trying to shut out the memories of last night as they flowed into my mind.

"Britt, what?" My voice croaked out of my throat. I couldn't break through the cotton.

"You passed out. I thought…I thought you-"

I quickly reached up and captured her thin, baby pink lips in mine. I wanted to feel her close to me. She needs to see that I am here. And she will never have to think those thoughts again.

"B, it's okay. I'm here. I'm right here."

"I-I was gonna c-call the cops. Bu-but then I s-saw you twi-twiching. I-I di-didn't know what to d-do."

"Britt-Britt, look at me. I'm right here. I'm okay. We're gonna be okay."

"San-San, how? I can't help you. I don't know how to sa-save you."

"You did save me. You always save me."

She embraced me tighter. I lifted my arms and began to rub circles on her back. I looked down and saw the mandarin orange bottle. Next to it the scotch that had soaked into the carpet. What happened to me? What happened that I would do this to myself? That I could hurt Brittany so?

I needed to be Buzz. The hero Brittany deserves. I need to not let this take a hold of me any longer.

I hope I can beat it. I can try. It's going to take everything I have. Every once of strength left in me.

"I'm gonna help you get better, San. You can't keep doing this."

"I know, B."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"San?"

"I'm here, B."

"You have to hold on."


End file.
